29. 2009 coming to a close...

Goodness. It's been such a long time since I've been here.
I'm currently in the process of applying to 458140619641 universities; maybe this explains my constant hectic state of life at the moment. It's a time of my life where my concentration and focus are most necessary, yet I find I can't stay focused on my studies or my applications... AT ALL. It's terrible. I honestly waste about 7-8 hours daily lately.

And I constantly yell at myself about it (mentally of course, since people would think I was mental if they heard me scream out loud. Thought this is heavily ironic, given that this makes me sound mental anyway!). During those hours I could be:
- Working out (I. Need. To. Go. To. A. Gym. Oh my goodness. Fall sports ended a good month and a half ago. I can feel my muscles becoming fat and jelly. It's DISGUSTING.)
- Doing my applications so I can actually GO TO A GOOD UNIVERSITY. If only...
- Writing songs
- Sleeping (I never get enough sleep. It's terrible, because I get even more hungry when I don't sleep enough. It's a vicious cycle, I swear.)
- Keeping up my social life... without having to lose sleep over it. Like my social life is pretty good lately, even though I am so busy, but my sleep is sacrificed for it. I stay up late talking to people instead of sleeping. I should sleep more..............
- Etc. I can't even think coherently right now.



I went from 115 to 88 pounds last school year. It was glorious. People were alarmed. They begged me to eat; my mother asked all of her friends to force me to eat whenever they saw me; everyone was always staring at me like I was a freak of nature.
And I loved every moment of feeling so in control.

Then over the summer, my concentration and drive were killed when I fell for someone... and I paid dearly for it. I had a great time, but it ended when his parents suddenly moved the entire family to a completely different area of the country. We both stay in touch, but it just doesn't feel like it was worth it. I plummeted in weight because I felt beautiful all the time around him, and completely became blind to my accumulating fat. I went up to 105 in the summer.

In September, I reassessed myself and was disgusted and horrified at how I had slipped in motivation and control. All of that hard work gone to waste! Then I started eating my emotions away.... GREAT idea. Which brought me all the way back up to 115.

I completely failed. Epitome of a yo-yo in weight fluctuations.
I didn't even do anything about it though. I just moped around.

Then mid-November I started to TRY doing something about it again.
I'm at 110 now. Still not low in the least. I'm still a whale.
I still explode out of my jeans and I can't wear tight shirts anymore because of a belly bump I now have.
My hipbones are almost gone. I need them to come back.
I need my flat, beautiful stomach to come back.
I need my size 1 and size 0 jeans to go away and my size 00 jeans to dance lovingly back to legs that are too thin for them.

I MISS EVERYTHING ABOUT BEING DELICATE AND FRAGILE.

It's my last year of high school.
I refuse to be fat at my prom and disappointed at the end of high school because of my fatness.


Here's to recommitting myself.

<3 Samaire.

Stay strong lovely followers~~

Now in exchange for being so kind and listening to my ranting/whining...
Some thinspo: