2. Ginormous

I'm back at a size 0 in pants for now, but please take this with a grain of salt - I am a size 0, but completely and utterly jiggly, not toned at all, and to top it all off, I have a muffin top belly (hah, pun). I hate this feeling. This time of year last year my size 0 pants were comfortably, slightly loose, my stomach was completely flat, and I did not feel as though I was walking on two pork rinds instead of two legs. My thighs also had a much larger gap between them one year ago.. I know I can achieve that, since I was there. I must bring my old, more beautiful body back. Right now I am just the epitome of a porky little girl. I have one month left until I need to break out a bathing suit. There is no time to waste - must start shedding the fat now!!

I love Trixy Pixie on DeviantArt. The realness of her photography really speaks to me. Not only is the atmosphere in each photo so raw and beautiful, but her models have such beautiful bodies as well...

1. Again.

But that is more of a reason to keep hanging on.

(This should technically be post #31, but I am starting all over again.)

Part of being human is making mistakes, then vowing to learn from those mistakes, but recommitting the same mistakes, and then realizing you just went through a vicious cycle. But eventually, you do learn. It's painful at times, yes, but you manage to teach yourself something through the experience.

My relationship with my eating disorder is a roller coaster. It's still there, subconsciously, but as I am EDNOS, I go back and forth between periods of intense binging and periods that resemble anorexia. It's horrific and stressful, and I've tried to run away from it for the past year, but I've realized it just depresses me. I can't run away from something so deeply ingrained in myself - I need to learn to accept it and learn how to deal with it.

A year ago, in my first post I wrote:
The vital facts:
Height: 5'3.5'' (yeah, I'm pretty short. Haha runs in the women of the family.)
Current Weight (CW): 102
Lowest Weight (LW): 92 (how I miss this...)
Highest Weight (HW): 112 - gross.
Short Term Goal Weight (STGW): 98
Long Term Goal Weight (LTGW): 94

Oh, how things have changed.
I just got out of a rough relationship (it made me happy while it lasted, but I realized it was hurting me negatively, and broke it off. It's very bittersweet), broken friendships, and an intensely stressful few months. This whole school year has been incredibly exhausting and I feel as though I'm beginning to forget who I am. I abuse myself by over-eating whenever I'm stressed now, and then the intense guilt settles and I start imagining I gained tens of pounds in an hour and everything just begins to annoy me. Then, I lose sleep over the guilt and I begin to imagine everything around me is going wrong. I'm going crazy, and it's something I need to fix.

I was so much happier when I felt in control of myself. I lack all control, as evidenced by the lard found all over my body. I need to get myself in order before I begin trying to get all aspects of my life in control. I also have 1.5 months left until my class field trip when I will need to wear a bikini, and 2.5 months until prom season. Time to get my body seriously under control..

Updated stats:
Height: 5'4''
Current Weight (CW): 110 on bad days, 108 on "good" days (not good)
Lowest Weight (LW): 87 (I miss this intensely)
Highest Weight (HW): 114 - gross.
Short Term Goal Weight (STGW1): 102
STGW2: 98
STGW: 95
Long Term Goal Weight (LTGW): 93



<3 Samaire