5. Why do you build me up, Buttercup?

Feeling blue lately, so I'm listening to sad songs/old songs/etc. Hopefully you all are having a better week than I am.

I went to this club meeting after school today, and there were all of these snacks laid out for the club members to eat. I hate how all public events seem to revolve around food. But anyway, I felt good because I watched all of these small girls gorging on Girl Scout cookies and cheese doodles (I really don’t understand how people can eat those. They look super fake, overly orange-colored, and just disgusting in general), and I refused everything and simply chewed gum.

I was feeling good, when I got home and realized my mom had bought all of this heavenly smelling bread. She knows I hate white bread, so she bought this multi-grain/high fiber/all natural loaf of bread, and it smelled incredible (she was toasting some for herself). I caved in and had a slice too (it tasted so damn good too…. MUST control myself. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels!!), and realized just how LARGE the loaf of bread was. Basically, the bread is going to be the reason for my binging if I see it anywhere. So I put the bread in a refrigerator-safe bag, and put the entire loaf into the fridge. And my mom looked at me funny, and was like, “WHAT are you doing???” haha so I told her how I heard that bread keeps longer if you refrigerate it (it’s true!), and how because it tastes so good, I would hate for it to get moldy, yadda yadda yadda. And she was just like, “Oh, what a good idea!” and left me alone. So that was awesome. Now the bread is out of sight, out of mind, and most importantly, OUT OF BELLY. Haha

Oh yeah. I have been battling the urge to take laxatives for the entire week. I know it's virtually useless, because yes, it makes you feel emptier for a short while, but eventually the effects are canceled out, etc. So yesterday I bought a small box of dried prunes, since I remember how when I was younger, my doctor made me drink prune juice (it tastes FOUL) if my digestive system was being wacko. I had 3 dried prunes, and they tasted disgusting, but they made me lose my entire appetite because they were so gross. And about an hour or so after eating them, I needed to go to the bathroom. It was like having all natural laxatives that don’t screw up your digestive system. Pretty cool, I guess. But dried prunes, like all other dried fruit, have a lot of natural sugar, so I’ll be limiting how many I force myself to eat of course.

I’m sick of being at the same weight, after ballooning for two months. I know I can get back down, and I’m going to make myself get back down by the summer. By June, I want to have shed about 10~12 pounds. I think that’s reasonable and definitely achievable. I’m sick of being afraid to wear my super tight/super skinny jeans because of the way my thighs look in them. I’m gonna fit back in those like I used to, and feel AND look skinny and beautiful.

Hope you all stay strong~

<3

4. Stressed.

This week has been absolute HELL.
My teachers are crazy. I got about 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night and I didn't have time to hang out with friends, or have any down time to relax, etc. Just because of work. I guess I bring it upon myself, because I could technically just give up on my work and sleep at a normal time, but I crave perfection in everything. And I don't want to be a normal person anyway. I want to be thin.

I go to music school on Saturdays, and today I noticed that the girl who sits next to me in Music Theory class is super super thin. I'm a size 0 right now (except I'm short, so I still look pudgy. Disgusting.) and this girl looked about half my size. And when we stood up I noticed she was like a good 4 inches or so taller than me.

I realized I've seen this girl around the music school for about 2 or 3 years, and she's always been skinny, but she's getting smaller and smaller every year. I don't get how she does it. But she's definitely thinspo to look up to every Saturday.

I never see her eat, ever. Not in the cafeteria, not around the campus, not in the hallways, absolutely nowhere. Except she doesn't look sick or anything either. She looks healthy, and obviously, beautiful, because she's thin.

I binged today because of all the stress, and I felt worthless afterwards. Especially after sitting next to that girl for an hour. I couldn't concentrate on anything in class, because I was too busy just staring at her hipbones and craving them. And trying to be sneaky about it, so I didn't look creepy or crazy. Hahaha. But yeah... damn.

Never binging again. I am sick and tired of feeling crappy after I binge.
Life's just so much easier if you don't binge. You feel less worthless.

I hope everybody's doing well~
Stay strong, beautiful ladies.


<3

3. President's Day

Wow, I have followers! Thanks, guys. You two are my first followers on blogger, ever. Haha it means a lot to me. :)

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Happy President's Day.
I never cared much for "President's Day" but I honestly don't mind not having school/the shopping sales/extra time to hang out with people I care about. Except this year, I don't really feel like hanging out with a lot of people because I feel like almost every social event has food. Does that make me anti-social? I don't think I am. I just really don't want to binge and feel crappy afterwards. -sigh-

I envy people who are committed to their blogs/journals. I'm so bad at keeping journals... Maybe this is a sign of why my weight is always yo-yo-ing, and driving me CRAZY. Haha.

Anyway, the past few days I have been sick. So I lost my voice and I have a stuffy nose. Oh, and when I'm sick, I also lose my appetite. So that was convenient. :) Whenever my friends/family tried to offer me food, I was able to turn it down half of the time (the other half I caved :X) with "I'm sick - I'm not hungry." But the stuffy nose part is really irritating, because I can't breathe and I feel like I'm suffocating/claustrophobic/etc.

How did you spend your Valentine's Day?
I personally really don't like Valentine's Day. It's such a consumer-driven, fake "holiday" in my opinion. If I was in a relationship, I would want every day to be special, not just Feb. 14. And the girls who wallow in misery because they're single on Valentine's Day just make me sad. WHO CARES. You don't need a guy to make your life meaningful.

It's almost 2 AM so I'm going to try to sleep soon....


OH YEAH. Haha sorry, random but I just remembered..
I had Greek yogurt for breakfast this morning. It's delicious! I never had it before until today (technically yesterday, if you're going by time... yeah, whatever), but I'm definitely getting it again. It's naturally completely fat-free, and it's 140 calories for a HUGE serving, compared to 150 calories in a tiny granola bar that leaves you unsatisfied. You should try it. :)

2. I am a failure.

February 4, 2009.

I am so horrible at keeping journals.
IT'S NO WONDER WHY I'M GETTING SO DAMN FAT.

I am such a failure at life. I entered these competitions because my parents are pushing me to win scholarships for college. I put my whole heart into them and spend hours and days and weeks of my life on these, and I still have never won a major one yet. I can only seem to win these tiny regional ones, and I feel like such a failure.

FAIL. FAIL. FAIL.

I can't even control what I eat correctly.

FAIL. FAIL. FAIL.

So I'm giving up on these opportunities that I lost. Because I'm retarded I can't seem to win any of these multiple K scholarships. So now that the majority of these are over, I'm focusing on what I eat. Like crazy now.

I have a recital at a very important venue (don't want to give my location away. I'm paranoid. Haha I have no idea who's reading, after all) in a month and a half. I already bought my dress for it when I was about 98 pounds. I'm 102 now and I can see the huge difference. My belly pooch is disgusting. I'm going to lose all of it before the concert. I refuse to feel corpulent/nasty on the night of my major performance.

Blah. I sound like such a whiny fool.
Like I said, I am a failure.



AHHHHHHH.