Why does my life feel so hypocritical? I keep encouraging my friend to fight her own issues with EDNOS, and yet I find myself relapsing back into EDNOS. I am strangely satisfied. I genuinely want her to get better, to live free of this terrible curse, and yet I want to completely relapse again, after a year of semi-"recovery." I feel like a terrible human being. I want it to just stop for good, but I also want the intense feeling of control back.
What is wrong with me?
Friday, July 1, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
2. But Wait...
As I sit here firmly promising myself that I will get healthier again, two coworkers on either side of me are gnoshing away at Hershey kiss after Hershey kiss. Do they not know that each seemingly harmless Hershey kiss has 25 calories? Given, one is a grown man with a protruding belly (I wonder how he acquired that! teehee) but the other is a tall girl, about my age (she's a summer intern as well). Maybe I'm being incredibly judgmental seeing as how my body is nowhere near beautiful right now either, but does she not realize her belly roll is worse than mine? Okay, I will stop being rude now.
I am such a snoop but I just looked over into the trashcan between my desk and the other girl's desk and there are literally 20 Hershey kiss wrappers in there.
TWENTY. I'm not even exaggerating!
I may not be phenomenal at math but 20 x 25 calories = 500 calories.
She just consumed 500 calories of pure, milk chocolate. Oh, and she just popped another.
Excuse me while I mentally puke.
I am such a snoop but I just looked over into the trashcan between my desk and the other girl's desk and there are literally 20 Hershey kiss wrappers in there.
TWENTY. I'm not even exaggerating!
I may not be phenomenal at math but 20 x 25 calories = 500 calories.
She just consumed 500 calories of pure, milk chocolate. Oh, and she just popped another.
Excuse me while I mentally puke.
1. Doing it Big for 2011 (oh, the irony)
I'm not sure if any of you from 2-3 years ago are still around. And I'm not completely sure how I feel about returning either. But I guess I'll figure that out as I continue to blog again.
Where to begin... I thought I got "better" for good because I no longer obsessively counted numbers, was able to blend in and eat when friends around me ate, and was good at putting on a happy facade. I gained weight but jokingly excused my appearance by blaming it on the "freshman 15" of college. I allowed myself to imagine that I still looked like my ultimate lowest weight self: back when I was lingering around 85-87 pounds, when truth be told, I am now a staggering 118. Yes - 118 pounds. Roughly 30 pounds heavier. I want to puke just thinking about it..
I allowed myself to consume disgustingly greasy food at ridiculously late hours, because I liked hearing how guys thought I was "cool," "down-to-earth," and "real" for not freaking out about eating. I allowed myself to consume exorbitantly sugary beverages I swore off 3 years ago, to eat copious amounts of even the fattiest, greasiest foods in an effort to seem like I wasn't superficial. Except, because I was unconsciously trying so hard to be someone I was not, I became even more superficial to myself. I let myself go and I lost myself.
Reflecting on my foolish habits throughout the past year, I realize just how immature this mindset was. Why should I have to sacrifice anything, let alone my body, to want to feel accepted by people - let alone boys? If someone doesn't want to be friends with me because he or she can't accept my desire to be healthy, then how should I expect him or her to respect my decisions in any other respect? And now, looking down at the rolls of fat protruding from my stomach, my thunder thighs, my flabby arms, I am so disgusted in myself that I wish I could purge the last year's consumption of every food.
Except I've reached a point where I am tired of all the destruction I did to my body during the lowest points of my binging, purging, and fasting. I liked returning to a healthy body - a body that got her periods again (I want kids in the future!), a body that was finally able to sleep at night, a body that wasn't always shaking - but I liked this healthy body at a healthy state as well. I miss my toned abs, my lean muscular arms that people always complimented, my slender thighs. I miss not having to worry about how any article of clothing would look because there was no arm fat, no belly rolls, no thunder thighs to compromise the elegance and real beauty of clothing.
I want this beautiful body back, but I no longer want to compromise my health anymore either. The painful stomachaches that tore through my entire body for 2 years are not pleasant memories. I used to tell myself that without pain there is no gain, but there is a difference in attaining an ideal body and still maintaining your health, and attaining an ideal body but slowly killing yourself from the inside out.
So I plan on using this blog to monitor myself again - to remind myself to exercise, to eat healthily and nutritiously but not copiously, to reintegrate healthy lifestyle choices back into my life. I'm sick and tired of staring at my closet each morning and crying deep inside because I am so exhausted by always trying to hide my body in clothing that will not point out the disgusting rolls all around my hips, stomach, thighs, arms.
I know if I try to make some huge goals for myself right now, I'm just going to feel unmotivated and ultimately give up again. I'll start with smaller goals and keep building up until I get to where I want. No more of this making-up-of-excuses to hide from the water, to hide the fact that my body is disgusting. I want to be able to go to the beach at least once at the end of this summer without wanting to hide from everyone!
Goals for Week 1:
- No eating starting 4 hours before bed time (ideally 8pm - haha I probably sound like a grandmother but summer is the only time I can catch up on sleep!)
- Only water, tea, and skim milk allowed for beverages
- More fruit and vegetables in my diet!
- Smaller portions at each "meal" (I need to cut out this concept that a "meal" means I have to like stuff myself or something, I don't understand where this came from at all)
- No desserts, no sweets. Period. I have such a horrific sweet tooth lately.
- Get off your fat butt and EXERCISE. I'm shooting for 800 jump ropes, 200 crunches/sit ups, and 30 minutes on the treadmill each day. I know you're probably thinking something along the lines of, "Are you serious? That's it? How the hell do you think you're gonna lose weight?" But this is my only hope when I'm working approximately 8AM to 10PM each day, and I'm so drained and exhausted that I usually fall right asleep when I get home. :( Summer internships are rough. Better to start somewhere and get this fat body moving than not exercise at al.
Sorry for whining and complaining, but here's to a fresh start!
xx
Sam
(My name's actually Samaire, but I think this fatmonster of a body doesn't deserve a feminine name right now. So I'm calling myself Sam until I deserve to be called Samaire again!)
--CURRENT--
CW: 118 (I.don't.want.to.talk.about.it. I'm so revolted.)
BMI: 20.6 (I'm short, so that doesn't help at al)
--GOALS--
- Phase 1
GW1: 114
BMI: 19.9
- Phase 2:
GW2: 110
BMI: 19.2
- Phase 3
GW3: 105
BMI: 18.3
- Phase 4
GW4: 100
BMI: 17.4
- Phase 5
UGW: 97
BMI: 16.9
Yup, doing it big for the rest of 2011 - I WILL fit back inside my beautiful dresses and my favorite jeans for this year's holiday season! Ha. Ha. Ironic because I'm doing it big... to get small again. Okay, sorry I know that joke fell flat. LOL.
I know it's a long way to go, and maybe 97 pounds isn't realistic or the most healthy goal. But my body was slowly shutting down when I hit my ultimate low of 85 pounds, and 97 pounds is a good 12 pounds heavier so I think it should be fine. And I reached 85 pounds simply through starving and purging, no exercise. So if I'm exercising and still eating, I think it should be fine right? And I never want my body to start shutting down like that again. I was on a high when I was that low, but it came at a very, very painful cost that I'm still suffering from today, like 30 pounds heavier. So if you're ever thinking about trying to reach that low - please, please think twice and respect your body. Weight also impacts you very differently if you're taller (I'm sure you already know that) and I bet you're taller than I am. So just be careful. <3
Man, back to the elusive double digit weight, here I come.
Where to begin... I thought I got "better" for good because I no longer obsessively counted numbers, was able to blend in and eat when friends around me ate, and was good at putting on a happy facade. I gained weight but jokingly excused my appearance by blaming it on the "freshman 15" of college. I allowed myself to imagine that I still looked like my ultimate lowest weight self: back when I was lingering around 85-87 pounds, when truth be told, I am now a staggering 118. Yes - 118 pounds. Roughly 30 pounds heavier. I want to puke just thinking about it..
I allowed myself to consume disgustingly greasy food at ridiculously late hours, because I liked hearing how guys thought I was "cool," "down-to-earth," and "real" for not freaking out about eating. I allowed myself to consume exorbitantly sugary beverages I swore off 3 years ago, to eat copious amounts of even the fattiest, greasiest foods in an effort to seem like I wasn't superficial. Except, because I was unconsciously trying so hard to be someone I was not, I became even more superficial to myself. I let myself go and I lost myself.
Reflecting on my foolish habits throughout the past year, I realize just how immature this mindset was. Why should I have to sacrifice anything, let alone my body, to want to feel accepted by people - let alone boys? If someone doesn't want to be friends with me because he or she can't accept my desire to be healthy, then how should I expect him or her to respect my decisions in any other respect? And now, looking down at the rolls of fat protruding from my stomach, my thunder thighs, my flabby arms, I am so disgusted in myself that I wish I could purge the last year's consumption of every food.
Except I've reached a point where I am tired of all the destruction I did to my body during the lowest points of my binging, purging, and fasting. I liked returning to a healthy body - a body that got her periods again (I want kids in the future!), a body that was finally able to sleep at night, a body that wasn't always shaking - but I liked this healthy body at a healthy state as well. I miss my toned abs, my lean muscular arms that people always complimented, my slender thighs. I miss not having to worry about how any article of clothing would look because there was no arm fat, no belly rolls, no thunder thighs to compromise the elegance and real beauty of clothing.
I want this beautiful body back, but I no longer want to compromise my health anymore either. The painful stomachaches that tore through my entire body for 2 years are not pleasant memories. I used to tell myself that without pain there is no gain, but there is a difference in attaining an ideal body and still maintaining your health, and attaining an ideal body but slowly killing yourself from the inside out.
So I plan on using this blog to monitor myself again - to remind myself to exercise, to eat healthily and nutritiously but not copiously, to reintegrate healthy lifestyle choices back into my life. I'm sick and tired of staring at my closet each morning and crying deep inside because I am so exhausted by always trying to hide my body in clothing that will not point out the disgusting rolls all around my hips, stomach, thighs, arms.
I know if I try to make some huge goals for myself right now, I'm just going to feel unmotivated and ultimately give up again. I'll start with smaller goals and keep building up until I get to where I want. No more of this making-up-of-excuses to hide from the water, to hide the fact that my body is disgusting. I want to be able to go to the beach at least once at the end of this summer without wanting to hide from everyone!
Goals for Week 1:
- No eating starting 4 hours before bed time (ideally 8pm - haha I probably sound like a grandmother but summer is the only time I can catch up on sleep!)
- Only water, tea, and skim milk allowed for beverages
- More fruit and vegetables in my diet!
- Smaller portions at each "meal" (I need to cut out this concept that a "meal" means I have to like stuff myself or something, I don't understand where this came from at all)
- No desserts, no sweets. Period. I have such a horrific sweet tooth lately.
- Get off your fat butt and EXERCISE. I'm shooting for 800 jump ropes, 200 crunches/sit ups, and 30 minutes on the treadmill each day. I know you're probably thinking something along the lines of, "Are you serious? That's it? How the hell do you think you're gonna lose weight?" But this is my only hope when I'm working approximately 8AM to 10PM each day, and I'm so drained and exhausted that I usually fall right asleep when I get home. :( Summer internships are rough. Better to start somewhere and get this fat body moving than not exercise at al.
Sorry for whining and complaining, but here's to a fresh start!
xx
Sam
(My name's actually Samaire, but I think this fatmonster of a body doesn't deserve a feminine name right now. So I'm calling myself Sam until I deserve to be called Samaire again!)
--CURRENT--
CW: 118 (I.don't.want.to.talk.about.it. I'm so revolted.)
BMI: 20.6 (I'm short, so that doesn't help at al)
--GOALS--
- Phase 1
GW1: 114
BMI: 19.9
- Phase 2:
GW2: 110
BMI: 19.2
- Phase 3
GW3: 105
BMI: 18.3
- Phase 4
GW4: 100
BMI: 17.4
- Phase 5
UGW: 97
BMI: 16.9
Yup, doing it big for the rest of 2011 - I WILL fit back inside my beautiful dresses and my favorite jeans for this year's holiday season! Ha. Ha. Ironic because I'm doing it big... to get small again. Okay, sorry I know that joke fell flat. LOL.
I know it's a long way to go, and maybe 97 pounds isn't realistic or the most healthy goal. But my body was slowly shutting down when I hit my ultimate low of 85 pounds, and 97 pounds is a good 12 pounds heavier so I think it should be fine. And I reached 85 pounds simply through starving and purging, no exercise. So if I'm exercising and still eating, I think it should be fine right? And I never want my body to start shutting down like that again. I was on a high when I was that low, but it came at a very, very painful cost that I'm still suffering from today, like 30 pounds heavier. So if you're ever thinking about trying to reach that low - please, please think twice and respect your body. Weight also impacts you very differently if you're taller (I'm sure you already know that) and I bet you're taller than I am. So just be careful. <3
Man, back to the elusive double digit weight, here I come.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
2. Ginormous
I'm back at a size 0 in pants for now, but please take this with a grain of salt - I am a size 0, but completely and utterly jiggly, not toned at all, and to top it all off, I have a muffin top belly (hah, pun). I hate this feeling. This time of year last year my size 0 pants were comfortably, slightly loose, my stomach was completely flat, and I did not feel as though I was walking on two pork rinds instead of two legs. My thighs also had a much larger gap between them one year ago.. I know I can achieve that, since I was there. I must bring my old, more beautiful body back. Right now I am just the epitome of a porky little girl. I have one month left until I need to break out a bathing suit. There is no time to waste - must start shedding the fat now!!
I love Trixy Pixie on DeviantArt. The realness of her photography really speaks to me. Not only is the atmosphere in each photo so raw and beautiful, but her models have such beautiful bodies as well...
I love Trixy Pixie on DeviantArt. The realness of her photography really speaks to me. Not only is the atmosphere in each photo so raw and beautiful, but her models have such beautiful bodies as well...
Friday, March 19, 2010
1. Again.
But that is more of a reason to keep hanging on.
(This should technically be post #31, but I am starting all over again.)
Part of being human is making mistakes, then vowing to learn from those mistakes, but recommitting the same mistakes, and then realizing you just went through a vicious cycle. But eventually, you do learn. It's painful at times, yes, but you manage to teach yourself something through the experience.
My relationship with my eating disorder is a roller coaster. It's still there, subconsciously, but as I am EDNOS, I go back and forth between periods of intense binging and periods that resemble anorexia. It's horrific and stressful, and I've tried to run away from it for the past year, but I've realized it just depresses me. I can't run away from something so deeply ingrained in myself - I need to learn to accept it and learn how to deal with it.
A year ago, in my first post I wrote:
The vital facts:
Height: 5'3.5'' (yeah, I'm pretty short. Haha runs in the women of the family.)
Current Weight (CW): 102
Lowest Weight (LW): 92 (how I miss this...)
Highest Weight (HW): 112 - gross.
Short Term Goal Weight (STGW): 98
Long Term Goal Weight (LTGW): 94
Oh, how things have changed.
I just got out of a rough relationship (it made me happy while it lasted, but I realized it was hurting me negatively, and broke it off. It's very bittersweet), broken friendships, and an intensely stressful few months. This whole school year has been incredibly exhausting and I feel as though I'm beginning to forget who I am. I abuse myself by over-eating whenever I'm stressed now, and then the intense guilt settles and I start imagining I gained tens of pounds in an hour and everything just begins to annoy me. Then, I lose sleep over the guilt and I begin to imagine everything around me is going wrong. I'm going crazy, and it's something I need to fix.
I was so much happier when I felt in control of myself. I lack all control, as evidenced by the lard found all over my body. I need to get myself in order before I begin trying to get all aspects of my life in control. I also have 1.5 months left until my class field trip when I will need to wear a bikini, and 2.5 months until prom season. Time to get my body seriously under control..
Updated stats:
Height: 5'4''
Current Weight (CW): 110 on bad days, 108 on "good" days (not good)
Lowest Weight (LW): 87 (I miss this intensely)
Highest Weight (HW): 114 - gross.
Short Term Goal Weight (STGW1): 102
STGW2: 98
STGW: 95
Long Term Goal Weight (LTGW): 93
<3 Samaire
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
30. Twisted
Trying to get back to the habit of blogging daily...
When I look for thinspirational photos online, I am usually attracted to the fashion aspects. I loveee fashion and wish I could be a professional fashion designer someday (I imagine that would be the ultimate thinspiration - having to work with all of those super models).
Anyhow, is it twisted of me to look at some photos and think, "Oh, this would look so much better if she was thinner," or, "Wow this is very unflattering for her body," or, "I can't believe she would think of wearing that." ?
Especially when the aforementioned subject of the photo is thinner than me?
Thinking these thoughts makes me feel ashamed often, and makes me feel really bitchy. But I honestly don't even mean to be. These thoughts just immediately crop up inside my mind...
Now, the first thing I notice is the distance between a model's thighs, or how thin and delicate her wrists/arms/legs look.
It's all so twisted. My mind is sick.
But I... love it and hate it at the same time.
Sigh.
Stay strong. You're beautiful. You're worth the fight and effort to stay slender.
<3 Samaire
When I look for thinspirational photos online, I am usually attracted to the fashion aspects. I loveee fashion and wish I could be a professional fashion designer someday (I imagine that would be the ultimate thinspiration - having to work with all of those super models).
Anyhow, is it twisted of me to look at some photos and think, "Oh, this would look so much better if she was thinner," or, "Wow this is very unflattering for her body," or, "I can't believe she would think of wearing that." ?
Especially when the aforementioned subject of the photo is thinner than me?
Thinking these thoughts makes me feel ashamed often, and makes me feel really bitchy. But I honestly don't even mean to be. These thoughts just immediately crop up inside my mind...
Now, the first thing I notice is the distance between a model's thighs, or how thin and delicate her wrists/arms/legs look.
It's all so twisted. My mind is sick.
But I... love it and hate it at the same time.
Sigh.
Stay strong. You're beautiful. You're worth the fight and effort to stay slender.
<3 Samaire
29. 2009 coming to a close...
Goodness. It's been such a long time since I've been here.
I'm currently in the process of applying to 458140619641 universities; maybe this explains my constant hectic state of life at the moment. It's a time of my life where my concentration and focus are most necessary, yet I find I can't stay focused on my studies or my applications... AT ALL. It's terrible. I honestly waste about 7-8 hours daily lately.
And I constantly yell at myself about it (mentally of course, since people would think I was mental if they heard me scream out loud. Thought this is heavily ironic, given that this makes me sound mental anyway!). During those hours I could be:
- Working out (I. Need. To. Go. To. A. Gym. Oh my goodness. Fall sports ended a good month and a half ago. I can feel my muscles becoming fat and jelly. It's DISGUSTING.)
- Doing my applications so I can actually GO TO A GOOD UNIVERSITY. If only...
- Writing songs
- Sleeping (I never get enough sleep. It's terrible, because I get even more hungry when I don't sleep enough. It's a vicious cycle, I swear.)
- Keeping up my social life... without having to lose sleep over it. Like my social life is pretty good lately, even though I am so busy, but my sleep is sacrificed for it. I stay up late talking to people instead of sleeping. I should sleep more..............
- Etc. I can't even think coherently right now.
I went from 115 to 88 pounds last school year. It was glorious. People were alarmed. They begged me to eat; my mother asked all of her friends to force me to eat whenever they saw me; everyone was always staring at me like I was a freak of nature.
And I loved every moment of feeling so in control.
Then over the summer, my concentration and drive were killed when I fell for someone... and I paid dearly for it. I had a great time, but it ended when his parents suddenly moved the entire family to a completely different area of the country. We both stay in touch, but it just doesn't feel like it was worth it. I plummeted in weight because I felt beautiful all the time around him, and completely became blind to my accumulating fat. I went up to 105 in the summer.
In September, I reassessed myself and was disgusted and horrified at how I had slipped in motivation and control. All of that hard work gone to waste! Then I started eating my emotions away.... GREAT idea. Which brought me all the way back up to 115.
I completely failed. Epitome of a yo-yo in weight fluctuations.
I didn't even do anything about it though. I just moped around.
Then mid-November I started to TRY doing something about it again.
I'm at 110 now. Still not low in the least. I'm still a whale.
I still explode out of my jeans and I can't wear tight shirts anymore because of a belly bump I now have.
My hipbones are almost gone. I need them to come back.
I need my flat, beautiful stomach to come back.
I need my size 1 and size 0 jeans to go away and my size 00 jeans to dance lovingly back to legs that are too thin for them.
I MISS EVERYTHING ABOUT BEING DELICATE AND FRAGILE.
It's my last year of high school.
I refuse to be fat at my prom and disappointed at the end of high school because of my fatness.
Here's to recommitting myself.
<3 Samaire.
Stay strong lovely followers~~
Now in exchange for being so kind and listening to my ranting/whining...
Some thinspo:
I'm currently in the process of applying to 458140619641 universities; maybe this explains my constant hectic state of life at the moment. It's a time of my life where my concentration and focus are most necessary, yet I find I can't stay focused on my studies or my applications... AT ALL. It's terrible. I honestly waste about 7-8 hours daily lately.
And I constantly yell at myself about it (mentally of course, since people would think I was mental if they heard me scream out loud. Thought this is heavily ironic, given that this makes me sound mental anyway!). During those hours I could be:
- Working out (I. Need. To. Go. To. A. Gym. Oh my goodness. Fall sports ended a good month and a half ago. I can feel my muscles becoming fat and jelly. It's DISGUSTING.)
- Doing my applications so I can actually GO TO A GOOD UNIVERSITY. If only...
- Writing songs
- Sleeping (I never get enough sleep. It's terrible, because I get even more hungry when I don't sleep enough. It's a vicious cycle, I swear.)
- Keeping up my social life... without having to lose sleep over it. Like my social life is pretty good lately, even though I am so busy, but my sleep is sacrificed for it. I stay up late talking to people instead of sleeping. I should sleep more..............
- Etc. I can't even think coherently right now.
I went from 115 to 88 pounds last school year. It was glorious. People were alarmed. They begged me to eat; my mother asked all of her friends to force me to eat whenever they saw me; everyone was always staring at me like I was a freak of nature.
And I loved every moment of feeling so in control.
Then over the summer, my concentration and drive were killed when I fell for someone... and I paid dearly for it. I had a great time, but it ended when his parents suddenly moved the entire family to a completely different area of the country. We both stay in touch, but it just doesn't feel like it was worth it. I plummeted in weight because I felt beautiful all the time around him, and completely became blind to my accumulating fat. I went up to 105 in the summer.
In September, I reassessed myself and was disgusted and horrified at how I had slipped in motivation and control. All of that hard work gone to waste! Then I started eating my emotions away.... GREAT idea. Which brought me all the way back up to 115.
I completely failed. Epitome of a yo-yo in weight fluctuations.
I didn't even do anything about it though. I just moped around.
Then mid-November I started to TRY doing something about it again.
I'm at 110 now. Still not low in the least. I'm still a whale.
I still explode out of my jeans and I can't wear tight shirts anymore because of a belly bump I now have.
My hipbones are almost gone. I need them to come back.
I need my flat, beautiful stomach to come back.
I need my size 1 and size 0 jeans to go away and my size 00 jeans to dance lovingly back to legs that are too thin for them.
I MISS EVERYTHING ABOUT BEING DELICATE AND FRAGILE.
It's my last year of high school.
I refuse to be fat at my prom and disappointed at the end of high school because of my fatness.
Here's to recommitting myself.
<3 Samaire.
Stay strong lovely followers~~
Now in exchange for being so kind and listening to my ranting/whining...
Some thinspo:
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