1. Doing it Big for 2011 (oh, the irony)

I'm not sure if any of you from 2-3 years ago are still around. And I'm not completely sure how I feel about returning either. But I guess I'll figure that out as I continue to blog again.

Where to begin... I thought I got "better" for good because I no longer obsessively counted numbers, was able to blend in and eat when friends around me ate, and was good at putting on a happy facade. I gained weight but jokingly excused my appearance by blaming it on the "freshman 15" of college. I allowed myself to imagine that I still looked like my ultimate lowest weight self: back when I was lingering around 85-87 pounds, when truth be told, I am now a staggering 118. Yes - 118 pounds. Roughly 30 pounds heavier. I want to puke just thinking about it..

I allowed myself to consume disgustingly greasy food at ridiculously late hours, because I liked hearing how guys thought I was "cool," "down-to-earth," and "real" for not freaking out about eating. I allowed myself to consume exorbitantly sugary beverages I swore off 3 years ago, to eat copious amounts of even the fattiest, greasiest foods in an effort to seem like I wasn't superficial. Except, because I was unconsciously trying so hard to be someone I was not, I became even more superficial to myself. I let myself go and I lost myself.

Reflecting on my foolish habits throughout the past year, I realize just how immature this mindset was. Why should I have to sacrifice anything, let alone my body, to want to feel accepted by people - let alone boys? If someone doesn't want to be friends with me because he or she can't accept my desire to be healthy, then how should I expect him or her to respect my decisions in any other respect? And now, looking down at the rolls of fat protruding from my stomach, my thunder thighs, my flabby arms, I am so disgusted in myself that I wish I could purge the last year's consumption of every food.

Except I've reached a point where I am tired of all the destruction I did to my body during the lowest points of my binging, purging, and fasting. I liked returning to a healthy body - a body that got her periods again (I want kids in the future!), a body that was finally able to sleep at night, a body that wasn't always shaking - but I liked this healthy body at a healthy state as well. I miss my toned abs, my lean muscular arms that people always complimented, my slender thighs. I miss not having to worry about how any article of clothing would look because there was no arm fat, no belly rolls, no thunder thighs to compromise the elegance and real beauty of clothing.

I want this beautiful body back, but I no longer want to compromise my health anymore either. The painful stomachaches that tore through my entire body for 2 years are not pleasant memories. I used to tell myself that without pain there is no gain, but there is a difference in attaining an ideal body and still maintaining your health, and attaining an ideal body but slowly killing yourself from the inside out.

So I plan on using this blog to monitor myself again - to remind myself to exercise, to eat healthily and nutritiously but not copiously, to reintegrate healthy lifestyle choices back into my life. I'm sick and tired of staring at my closet each morning and crying deep inside because I am so exhausted by always trying to hide my body in clothing that will not point out the disgusting rolls all around my hips, stomach, thighs, arms.

I know if I try to make some huge goals for myself right now, I'm just going to feel unmotivated and ultimately give up again. I'll start with smaller goals and keep building up until I get to where I want. No more of this making-up-of-excuses to hide from the water, to hide the fact that my body is disgusting. I want to be able to go to the beach at least once at the end of this summer without wanting to hide from everyone!

Goals for Week 1:
- No eating starting 4 hours before bed time (ideally 8pm - haha I probably sound like a grandmother but summer is the only time I can catch up on sleep!)
- Only water, tea, and skim milk allowed for beverages
- More fruit and vegetables in my diet!
- Smaller portions at each "meal" (I need to cut out this concept that a "meal" means I have to like stuff myself or something, I don't understand where this came from at all)
- No desserts, no sweets. Period. I have such a horrific sweet tooth lately.
- Get off your fat butt and EXERCISE. I'm shooting for 800 jump ropes, 200 crunches/sit ups, and 30 minutes on the treadmill each day. I know you're probably thinking something along the lines of, "Are you serious? That's it? How the hell do you think you're gonna lose weight?" But this is my only hope when I'm working approximately 8AM to 10PM each day, and I'm so drained and exhausted that I usually fall right asleep when I get home. :( Summer internships are rough. Better to start somewhere and get this fat body moving than not exercise at al.

Sorry for whining and complaining, but here's to a fresh start!

xx
Sam

(My name's actually Samaire, but I think this fatmonster of a body doesn't deserve a feminine name right now. So I'm calling myself Sam until I deserve to be called Samaire again!)

--CURRENT--
CW: 118 (I.don't.want.to.talk.about.it. I'm so revolted.)
BMI: 20.6 (I'm short, so that doesn't help at al)

--GOALS--
- Phase 1
GW1: 114
BMI: 19.9

- Phase 2:
GW2: 110
BMI: 19.2

- Phase 3
GW3: 105
BMI: 18.3

- Phase 4
GW4: 100
BMI: 17.4

- Phase 5
UGW: 97
BMI: 16.9

Yup, doing it big for the rest of 2011 - I WILL fit back inside my beautiful dresses and my favorite jeans for this year's holiday season! Ha. Ha. Ironic because I'm doing it big... to get small again. Okay, sorry I know that joke fell flat. LOL.

I know it's a long way to go, and maybe 97 pounds isn't realistic or the most healthy goal. But my body was slowly shutting down when I hit my ultimate low of 85 pounds, and 97 pounds is a good 12 pounds heavier so I think it should be fine. And I reached 85 pounds simply through starving and purging, no exercise. So if I'm exercising and still eating, I think it should be fine right? And I never want my body to start shutting down like that again. I was on a high when I was that low, but it came at a very, very painful cost that I'm still suffering from today, like 30 pounds heavier. So if you're ever thinking about trying to reach that low - please, please think twice and respect your body. Weight also impacts you very differently if you're taller (I'm sure you already know that) and I bet you're taller than I am. So just be careful. <3

Man, back to the elusive double digit weight, here I come.