But WOW. Lindsay Lohan is SO skinny lately. Look at her arms! And her back ribs...
Some quick thinspo!
Click to see larger pics!
More later,
<3 Samaire
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
23. Quickie Post. But Wowwww..
Sorry, this is a super quick post - I'm in class surfing the web because the wifi here is incredible! I gotta hurry before the teacher notices (even though he is soooo slow.. never been caught before :P).
But WOW. Lindsay Lohan is SO skinny lately. Look at her arms! And her back ribs...
Some quick thinspo!
Click to see larger pics!
More later,
<3 Samaire
But WOW. Lindsay Lohan is SO skinny lately. Look at her arms! And her back ribs...
Some quick thinspo!
Click to see larger pics!
More later,
<3 Samaire
Sunday, April 19, 2009
22. Love/Hate
I have an utterly irrevocable love/hate relationship with my eating disorder. Sometimes I love her. I love her when she restrains me from eating vile foods that will clog my arteries and stack on voluptuous layers of fat onto my thighs, my stomach, everywhere. I love her because she gives me a sense of control - I am a perfectionist, and I love feeling in control of myself. I crave perfection and satisfaction. A good work-out day or a good eating day (haha, good eating day = eating nothing. Oh, the irony) will make me happier than receiving compliments on something I've done, etc. I love her when she makes me lose weight. I get a natural high from being fueled by emptiness. I love her when she makes me fit into clothes that I have not been able to wear for years. I love her when I need to buy new clothes because my current clothes become too baggy. I love her when she makes me feel fragile, small, petite. I love her when she makes me feel like I could float on air.
Other times, I hate her. I hate her because she makes me feel useless, ugly, filthy, fat, and undeserving all the time. I hate her because she alienates me from my friends and other social gatherings. I hate her because she demands restraint but yet she makes me crave everything. I hate her because she is always there and sometimes I want peace in my mind. I hate her because she sometimes incites binges that make me feel like the taut skin on my stomach will stretch and explode because of all of the filthy food I have consumed. I hate her because on these binges, I feel like an animalistic beast, not a human being. I hate her because she makes me notice all of the girls who are fucking gorgeous and thin and twig-like, whereas she makes me feel like an ugly stump on the side of a road, left to rot and wither. I hate her because I know that since I've accepted her, she will never leave my side again.
Other times, I hate her. I hate her because she makes me feel useless, ugly, filthy, fat, and undeserving all the time. I hate her because she alienates me from my friends and other social gatherings. I hate her because she demands restraint but yet she makes me crave everything. I hate her because she is always there and sometimes I want peace in my mind. I hate her because she sometimes incites binges that make me feel like the taut skin on my stomach will stretch and explode because of all of the filthy food I have consumed. I hate her because on these binges, I feel like an animalistic beast, not a human being. I hate her because she makes me notice all of the girls who are fucking gorgeous and thin and twig-like, whereas she makes me feel like an ugly stump on the side of a road, left to rot and wither. I hate her because I know that since I've accepted her, she will never leave my side again.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
21. O, Hamlet.
Today, someone was telling me how they hated Hamlet because he only whines, and never does anything to rectify his situation. (This person hasn't finished reading Hamlet yet, so they don't know the resolution).
And I argued that no, Hamlet is indeed a man of action - it just takes him a while to get there, but that this person had to read the entire play to realize what I meant. But no, this person kept on arguing that they were correct.
You know those people who think they're always right, no matter what? Yeah, case in point.
But yeah. So I realized I'm like Hamlet in the beginning of the play - I ALWAYS whine to myself about how I'm not motivated enough, how I binge, how I slip, fall, etc.
So much crap has happened this week, but I've been trying not to let it get to me. Of course, tonight, I broke down and had one of the HUGEST binges I have ever had. I honestly think I had about 2000 calories. I feel like I will explode. I don't understand how "normal" people eat this much every day.
I'm refusing to take laxies or purge though. I'm going to pay for my actions. The consequences should teach me to TOUGHEN THE FUCK UP. lol
So Hamlet has become my new muse.
He takes a looooong time to figure out what he's gotta do, and for a while, he is all talk but no actions. BUT he finally figures it all out at the end.
I'm done being the weak Hamlet. Fuck it.
I'm going to lose weight like never before.
Do I want this????
Or... this?
I'm sure you know the answer.
Stay strong~
<3 Samaire
And I argued that no, Hamlet is indeed a man of action - it just takes him a while to get there, but that this person had to read the entire play to realize what I meant. But no, this person kept on arguing that they were correct.
You know those people who think they're always right, no matter what? Yeah, case in point.
But yeah. So I realized I'm like Hamlet in the beginning of the play - I ALWAYS whine to myself about how I'm not motivated enough, how I binge, how I slip, fall, etc.
So much crap has happened this week, but I've been trying not to let it get to me. Of course, tonight, I broke down and had one of the HUGEST binges I have ever had. I honestly think I had about 2000 calories. I feel like I will explode. I don't understand how "normal" people eat this much every day.
I'm refusing to take laxies or purge though. I'm going to pay for my actions. The consequences should teach me to TOUGHEN THE FUCK UP. lol
So Hamlet has become my new muse.
He takes a looooong time to figure out what he's gotta do, and for a while, he is all talk but no actions. BUT he finally figures it all out at the end.
I'm done being the weak Hamlet. Fuck it.
I'm going to lose weight like never before.
Do I want this????
Or... this?
I'm sure you know the answer.
Stay strong~
<3 Samaire
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
20. A-mraz-ing & Reverse Thinspo
I don't think I've ever told any of you, but Jason Mraz is one of my favorite singers - and has been, for about...3 or 4 years now. His voice is ear candy, and I love his lyrics. He's pretty cute too ;) Unfortunately, he is 33 and has a steady relationship. Hahaha
It's raining today (again), and I have these lines from his song, "No Doubling Back" stuck in my head:
"It'd be nice to hold your hand
As we shifted through this twisted abandon
I would like to think that you know your way
I realize the ropes of rain
Well the cats and dogs they love to play
On the handsome fella with the umbrella
Who once saved you your day..."
ANYWAY.
I've been posting a lot of thinspo that is inspirational and beautiful to me. But today, I'm posting reverse thinspo. It might make you sick, so warning!!
These pics make me completely lose my appetite though. So definitely worth it.
"Snack Pizza Bomb" -> Yeah, it's called a BOMB for a reason!
"Sausage Fatty" -> HAH at least the creators of this monstrosity know this will turn the eater into a porky fatty McFat Fat.
"The Homewrecker" -> Try BODYwrecker...
"Thunderdome" -> Try ThunderTHIGHS THIGHS THIGHS!
"Meat in a Loaf" -> Fat in a Loaf.
"Hot Beef Sundae" -> Never. Touching. Ice. Cream. Again.
"Hamburger Cake" -> Barfburger Cake.
"Deep Fried Banana Split"
"Corndog Casserole"
"Bacon Chili Topped Cheeseburger" -> This looks like a pile of shit.
Stay strong~
<3 Samaire
It's raining today (again), and I have these lines from his song, "No Doubling Back" stuck in my head:
"It'd be nice to hold your hand
As we shifted through this twisted abandon
I would like to think that you know your way
I realize the ropes of rain
Well the cats and dogs they love to play
On the handsome fella with the umbrella
Who once saved you your day..."
ANYWAY.
I've been posting a lot of thinspo that is inspirational and beautiful to me. But today, I'm posting reverse thinspo. It might make you sick, so warning!!
These pics make me completely lose my appetite though. So definitely worth it.
"Snack Pizza Bomb" -> Yeah, it's called a BOMB for a reason!
"Sausage Fatty" -> HAH at least the creators of this monstrosity know this will turn the eater into a porky fatty McFat Fat.
"The Homewrecker" -> Try BODYwrecker...
"Thunderdome" -> Try ThunderTHIGHS THIGHS THIGHS!
"Meat in a Loaf" -> Fat in a Loaf.
"Hot Beef Sundae" -> Never. Touching. Ice. Cream. Again.
"Hamburger Cake" -> Barfburger Cake.
"Deep Fried Banana Split"
"Corndog Casserole"
"Bacon Chili Topped Cheeseburger" -> This looks like a pile of shit.
Stay strong~
<3 Samaire
Monday, April 13, 2009
19. F is for...
Fugly, Fat, Food-dependent Failure.
I had a competition today after about... 7 months of preparation. Not that long I guess. Professionals will prepare for years sometimes. But still, 7 months is a pretty long time. I even recorded my repertoire in a studio last week, and the recording process was incredible. Everything was up to par. Then of course, today I go in to audition, and the first piece is amazing. The second piece is amazing. Then the third piece, I have memory slips everywhere and I embarrass the living hell out of myself.
I am such a failure, it's almost laughable.
I was looking at everything I've done in my life, and I realized that I have never, even once, gotten 1st place in anything. I always gets 2nd, 3rd, or sometimes, honorable mention. Never have I gotten 1st place. In music, in sports, in writing, in literally everything. So I was moping, being immature, etc. And I realized, I have never been the thinnest or the prettiest girl in my town or school either.
Maybe I can't control how good other people are at their instruments, singing, sports, writing, school, etc. Maybe I can't control things like memory slips.
BUT I CAN CONTROL WHAT I EAT.
Today has given me more motivation to get off my ass, stop sulking, and restrict even more. This past week of family visits has taken a toll on my body (I think I gained about 4 or 5 pounds... ugh). But this week, I'm going to try to surprise myself with the weight I lose. My mom knows me so well - she knows I tend to take out my disappointment/anger at myself by refusing to eat completely. We came home today from the competition and she hid the scale and tape measures, and basically anything I could use to measure my weight loss. So I'm just going to have to lose drastically, so I can see the weight loss without measuring it.
Stay strong~
Love, Samaire
My current favorite photo:
And some thinspo of course <3:
Anyone else remember how when Lindsay Lohan was anorexic, she was forced into rehab, where she gained a million pounds? Yeah, well, she's basically lost everything back again. She gives me so much motivation lately:
I had a competition today after about... 7 months of preparation. Not that long I guess. Professionals will prepare for years sometimes. But still, 7 months is a pretty long time. I even recorded my repertoire in a studio last week, and the recording process was incredible. Everything was up to par. Then of course, today I go in to audition, and the first piece is amazing. The second piece is amazing. Then the third piece, I have memory slips everywhere and I embarrass the living hell out of myself.
I am such a failure, it's almost laughable.
I was looking at everything I've done in my life, and I realized that I have never, even once, gotten 1st place in anything. I always gets 2nd, 3rd, or sometimes, honorable mention. Never have I gotten 1st place. In music, in sports, in writing, in literally everything. So I was moping, being immature, etc. And I realized, I have never been the thinnest or the prettiest girl in my town or school either.
Maybe I can't control how good other people are at their instruments, singing, sports, writing, school, etc. Maybe I can't control things like memory slips.
BUT I CAN CONTROL WHAT I EAT.
Today has given me more motivation to get off my ass, stop sulking, and restrict even more. This past week of family visits has taken a toll on my body (I think I gained about 4 or 5 pounds... ugh). But this week, I'm going to try to surprise myself with the weight I lose. My mom knows me so well - she knows I tend to take out my disappointment/anger at myself by refusing to eat completely. We came home today from the competition and she hid the scale and tape measures, and basically anything I could use to measure my weight loss. So I'm just going to have to lose drastically, so I can see the weight loss without measuring it.
Stay strong~
Love, Samaire
My current favorite photo:
And some thinspo of course <3:
Anyone else remember how when Lindsay Lohan was anorexic, she was forced into rehab, where she gained a million pounds? Yeah, well, she's basically lost everything back again. She gives me so much motivation lately:
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