I had a competition today after about... 7 months of preparation. Not that long I guess. Professionals will prepare for years sometimes. But still, 7 months is a pretty long time. I even recorded my repertoire in a studio last week, and the recording process was incredible. Everything was up to par. Then of course, today I go in to audition, and the first piece is amazing. The second piece is amazing. Then the third piece, I have memory slips everywhere and I embarrass the living hell out of myself.
I am such a failure, it's almost laughable.
I was looking at everything I've done in my life, and I realized that I have never, even once, gotten 1st place in anything. I always gets 2nd, 3rd, or sometimes, honorable mention. Never have I gotten 1st place. In music, in sports, in writing, in literally everything. So I was moping, being immature, etc. And I realized, I have never been the thinnest or the prettiest girl in my town or school either.
Maybe I can't control how good other people are at their instruments, singing, sports, writing, school, etc. Maybe I can't control things like memory slips.
BUT I CAN CONTROL WHAT I EAT.
Today has given me more motivation to get off my ass, stop sulking, and restrict even more. This past week of family visits has taken a toll on my body (I think I gained about 4 or 5 pounds... ugh). But this week, I'm going to try to surprise myself with the weight I lose. My mom knows me so well - she knows I tend to take out my disappointment/anger at myself by refusing to eat completely. We came home today from the competition and she hid the scale and tape measures, and basically anything I could use to measure my weight loss. So I'm just going to have to lose drastically, so I can see the weight loss without measuring it.
Stay strong~
Love, Samaire
My current favorite photo:
And some thinspo of course <3:
Anyone else remember how when Lindsay Lohan was anorexic, she was forced into rehab, where she gained a million pounds? Yeah, well, she's basically lost everything back again. She gives me so much motivation lately:
3 comments:
Beautiful thinspiration.
Consider yourself lucky your mom hides the scale.
My mom weighs me ever 5 fucking seconds and threatens that if I lose weight she'll put my dog to sleep :o(
never coming first sucks...
but at least you can't say you didn't try
because if you didn't
you'd have failed completely
sometimes I think not having the scales there is more motivation
you know how if you get a bad weigh-in, it can sometime make you binge?
no weigh-in, no binges
and you can surprise yourself with what you lose too
look at the positives :)
stay strong love
xxx
Thanks for the thinspo hun - it's brill!
Keep focused on loosing that weight :)
Look after yourself xo
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