but why should that mean it's not real?" -Dumbledore (from the last book of the Harry Potter series).
Love this quote. It can apply to anything, and everything to me. Right now, it applies to my eating disorder and perception of myself. Of course no one else can tell how fat I perceive myself. But why on earth should that mean my fatness is not real??
I can finally breathe. Thank you for caring about me, even though I was basically dead on blogger for all this time. You are all so awesome! <3
I'm finally done with all of the horrid tests (I think I aced the English, Music Theory, and Math, did pretty well on the History, and I'm crossing my fingers for the Biology. Ahhh. If I don't get perfect scores on all of my tests, I'm going to get depressed. I just know it. And binge or something. Being a perfectionist SUCKS sometimes). I also had another competition (I got 2nd place. UGH. I never ever get 1st. Never giving up though...), and an orchestra audition. I've got another concert tomorrow, and I've practiced all day for it.
Wow. My life sounds so boring. I am such a dork.
Anyway, to answer a question: I'm only 5'3''. So 85 isn't that drastic or anything. I wish I could be 5'7'' or 5'6''. Then 85 would be incredible... Except I'm not even 85 anymore. That intervention screwed me over so badly, because it got paired with my $450 worth of exams (each AP test is freaking 90 dollars. OMG).
I am now a fat 103 pounds. ONE FRICKING HUNDRED AND THREE. I HATE TRIPLE DIGIT NUMBERS!!!!!!!
My friend asked me to prom, and it's only in two weeks. And I am at my highest in months right now. Fuck fuck fuckkkkkk.
And what really really makes me depressed is that because of my forced intervention and consequent binging, my stomach expanded again. So now it takes even more willpower to fast and restrict. I look at my bulging stomach in the mirror and I feel like a globe.
Less than a month ago, my size 00 jeans were sliding off my back. And now I am back in my size 0 jeans that are super tight. At the rate I'm going I'll be a size 14 by July or something. AHHHH
Shit. My parents just came home. I'm supposed to be sleeping. And my keyboard is excruciatingly loud and the rest of the house is incredibly SILENT. Meaning they will know I'm online covertly and they'll assume I'm on pro-ana sites (does my blog even count? huh) and give me so much beef later. Like literally and figuratively speaking.
ANYWAY
I'll post more later (and finally comment back on all of you beautiful people's blogs).
Stay strong!
<3 Samaire
Saturday, May 16, 2009
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5 comments:
Oh no!
Well you have 2 weeks, so by then you'll probably look great!
My blog is gone :o( Stupid boyfriend.
But I'm still here and reading!
Ah I'm glad your AP tests are done! I hated those. And don't worry about the weight. It'll come off again, quickly I'm sure... you will look beautiful for Prom.
I'm glad you posted. My heart jumped a bit when I saw it on my dashboard, I love reading your updates. All my support and affection!!
hello! my name is carla and im 17. im ana too and decided to start a blog as well:
http://deartinybabyana.blogspot.com/
It's good to see you back.
You'll be back down in no time.
♥
hi, I'm a new follower and we seem to have a lot in common. I used to have your stat but I also gained weight because of binging+ everyone telling me to eat eat eat. Now all I hear is that I look healthy. And I hate that word. Anyway, your blog is great! :) Keep fighting!
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