26. Chaos

My life right now = chaotic.
I don't even know where to begin. I feel terrible for completely neglecting all of you - you who mean so much to me. I'm glad to see that you all seem as strong as ever though. :)


Sooooooooooooo....
Okay. I'll just start a list.
1. It feels weird to blog again. I'm glad I'm blogging again, because life just felt weird not blogging regularly. But I feel like I lost my voice. As in, when I type here, I don't feel as natural anymore. Hopefully, resuming blogging will help that. :T Also, I realized I can't read Tulip's blog anymore - that makes me sad. :( But I guess that's to be expected, since I was gone.

2. I went to my prom at a fat 104, and went to a friend's prom at a fat fat 105. I'm really depressed by knowing I went to prom at over 100 when I used to be 85, but I can't really complain. It's my fault I lost control of my own body for a brief (albeit damaging) while.

3. I have a boyfriend, and I honestly don't know how to begin describing him. Everything about him makes me smile, or laugh like a little girl. We only started talking to each other a month ago, but it feels like I've known him forever. He tells me the same thing all the time too. I know opposites are supposed to attract, but we are so similar, and yet, we get along so well. We both have a parent who currently lives out of the house because of business (not because of divorce), an older sibling at college, similar interests, really similar sense of humor, same fear, same dislikes, same likes, similar taste in music, similar style of dress, similar priorities in life (except for ED. he still doesn't know about it - and I intend on keeping it that way), etc. I've never been happier, to be completely honest. :) The only thing is.....whenever I'm around him I feel this uncontrollable urge to "eat normally" so that I don't look like I have an ED. :(

This one time, I was talking to him about my health presentation (we all pulled different psychological disorders out of a jar to research and share to the class - I pulled out the card that said anorexia nervosa/bulimia nervosa. Coincidental, much??? I was so paranoid at first for pulling it out, but I used the presentation to make it seem like EDs disgusted me. So no one thinks I have an ED at the moment. And because I'm FAT right now. Ugh). Anywayyyy, so I was talking to him about it and how it was awkward because I don't like presenting things like that in front of the entire class. And he went, "I'm so glad you don't have an eating disorder. You're so beautiful the way you are."

:( That made me feel sooooo horrible inside. But I can't change the fact that my ED is, and will always be, a part of me.

4. I have 7 more days of school left until SUMMER BREAK! I'm going to be a counselor of a day camp for elementary kids for a few weeks, and then go on a family vacation. I'm a little worried about the family vacation because that will mean more eating.... but I'm hoping to use the excuse of nausea from my resumed periods (sorry if that's TMI. but it also makes me so depressed. that they're back. that I'm fat enough for them to be back...) to refrain from eating.

5. I'm going to the beach in 2 weeks with about 20 friends or so. And 5 of the girls are on the swim team, and are super thin and toned and lean. I HATE how I look in a bathing suit right now. I am soooo determined to regain control on my eating for this trip. I refuse to look like a floating ball of fat that day.

6. Please tell me how all of you have been!!!



I have to start uploading a bunch of thinspo again. I'll do that soon, I promise!
Thanks for staying with me~
<3 Samaire