I'm sorry.
I feel like a failure.
I always disappear and then try to return and then get swept away again.
I'm sorry for letting you all down. For deserting you.
I've failed.
This summer has changed my life. In so many amazing ways.
But one thing that changed has made my life worse - my body.
I thought that I would be happy if I let myself go and just accepted my body for how it is.
I was soooo wrong.
See, the thing is, once you have an ED, it... becomes a part of your identity whether you realize it or not.
It's not something that goes away.
Throughout this life-changing summer I have had the best experiences ever (I would go into detail, but it would give my identity away too much. One of the things I did was live at an orphanage for a while - like family with the children there. What a humbling experience... Learned an insane amount). But there was always a thought in the back of my mind.
YOU ARE GROWING FATTER EACH DAY.
I finally looked at myself clearly in the mirror today.
And I am so depressed at what I see.
WIthout stepping on a scale I know I am at one of my highest weights, ever.
Four weeks ago I stepped on a scale to get my physical done. I weighed 99 pounds then. I was ecstatic - that I had broken 100 again. Four weeks of damage is a colossal amount of damage....
I can't fit into half of the jeans I bought just one month ago.
So depressing.
So this is my last straw.
I am going to severely restrict starting tomorrow morning (I'm off to bed right now).
When fall sports begin, I want to be the thinnest girl on the team. And then through exercising even more I want to become the most in shape girl on the team.
I want, I want, I want.
But I forget: I can achieve.
I CAN ACHIEVE IF I TRY.
Anyone - each and every one of you out there - can attain the image of perfection in her or his mind.
I firmly believe this.
So. I'm resolving to rededicate myself to taking care of my body.
I hope all of you have remained stronger than I have~
Once I look a little less repulsive I'll update you all on what's going on in my life (that is.. if you're still interested. :) haha).
Sorry for the depressing tone of this blog entry - it is just simply me trying to be determined!
Don't give up all of you - stay strong with me. Help me be strong~ <3
Saturday, August 15, 2009
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3 comments:
WOW.
Wow, I know EXACTLY how you feel.
In January, I was below 100 pounds and I had the whole family-intervention-experience and I decided to "get healthy". I was up to 103/105 and felt GREAT and I maintained that for a while. Then I randomly started gaining both weight and inches... and I decided, like you, to accept my body for how it was going to be. Wide, fat hips and all.
But I can't. I just CANT do it. I am 110 now and it's shitty, I hate it. Sigh...
Depressing.
I feel you.
hey, i didnt find it depressing at all, i found it quite motivating. i believe u when u say we can have the body we want!!
i totally understand what you mean about it 'becoming part of your identity' and how it's frustrating that we can never let ourselves go ever again. the same thing happened to me this summer. awesome experiences learning and growing on a character level. but attempts to be 'normal' and not worry about calories always leave us so miserable. i hate that part of it. returning to restricting is so much more rewarding...
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