21. O, Hamlet.

Today, someone was telling me how they hated Hamlet because he only whines, and never does anything to rectify his situation. (This person hasn't finished reading Hamlet yet, so they don't know the resolution).
And I argued that no, Hamlet is indeed a man of action - it just takes him a while to get there, but that this person had to read the entire play to realize what I meant. But no, this person kept on arguing that they were correct.

You know those people who think they're always right, no matter what? Yeah, case in point.




But yeah. So I realized I'm like Hamlet in the beginning of the play - I ALWAYS whine to myself about how I'm not motivated enough, how I binge, how I slip, fall, etc.

So much crap has happened this week, but I've been trying not to let it get to me. Of course, tonight, I broke down and had one of the HUGEST binges I have ever had. I honestly think I had about 2000 calories. I feel like I will explode. I don't understand how "normal" people eat this much every day.

I'm refusing to take laxies or purge though. I'm going to pay for my actions. The consequences should teach me to TOUGHEN THE FUCK UP. lol

So Hamlet has become my new muse.
He takes a looooong time to figure out what he's gotta do, and for a while, he is all talk but no actions. BUT he finally figures it all out at the end.

I'm done being the weak Hamlet. Fuck it.
I'm going to lose weight like never before.


Do I want this????






Or... this?










I'm sure you know the answer.
Stay strong~

<3 Samaire

20. A-mraz-ing & Reverse Thinspo

I don't think I've ever told any of you, but Jason Mraz is one of my favorite singers - and has been, for about...3 or 4 years now. His voice is ear candy, and I love his lyrics. He's pretty cute too ;) Unfortunately, he is 33 and has a steady relationship. Hahaha

It's raining today (again), and I have these lines from his song, "No Doubling Back" stuck in my head:
"It'd be nice to hold your hand
As we shifted through this twisted abandon
I would like to think that you know your way
I realize the ropes of rain
Well the cats and dogs they love to play
On the handsome fella with the umbrella
Who once saved you your day..."

ANYWAY.
I've been posting a lot of thinspo that is inspirational and beautiful to me. But today, I'm posting reverse thinspo. It might make you sick, so warning!!
These pics make me completely lose my appetite though. So definitely worth it.

"Snack Pizza Bomb" -> Yeah, it's called a BOMB for a reason!


"Sausage Fatty" -> HAH at least the creators of this monstrosity know this will turn the eater into a porky fatty McFat Fat.


"The Homewrecker" -> Try BODYwrecker...


"Thunderdome" -> Try ThunderTHIGHS THIGHS THIGHS!


"Meat in a Loaf" -> Fat in a Loaf.


"Hot Beef Sundae" -> Never. Touching. Ice. Cream. Again.



"Hamburger Cake" -> Barfburger Cake.


"Deep Fried Banana Split"


"Corndog Casserole"


"Bacon Chili Topped Cheeseburger" -> This looks like a pile of shit.


Stay strong~

<3 Samaire

19. F is for...

Fugly, Fat, Food-dependent Failure.

I had a competition today after about... 7 months of preparation. Not that long I guess. Professionals will prepare for years sometimes. But still, 7 months is a pretty long time. I even recorded my repertoire in a studio last week, and the recording process was incredible. Everything was up to par. Then of course, today I go in to audition, and the first piece is amazing. The second piece is amazing. Then the third piece, I have memory slips everywhere and I embarrass the living hell out of myself.

I am such a failure, it's almost laughable.

I was looking at everything I've done in my life, and I realized that I have never, even once, gotten 1st place in anything. I always gets 2nd, 3rd, or sometimes, honorable mention. Never have I gotten 1st place. In music, in sports, in writing, in literally everything. So I was moping, being immature, etc. And I realized, I have never been the thinnest or the prettiest girl in my town or school either.

Maybe I can't control how good other people are at their instruments, singing, sports, writing, school, etc. Maybe I can't control things like memory slips.

BUT I CAN CONTROL WHAT I EAT.

Today has given me more motivation to get off my ass, stop sulking, and restrict even more. This past week of family visits has taken a toll on my body (I think I gained about 4 or 5 pounds... ugh). But this week, I'm going to try to surprise myself with the weight I lose. My mom knows me so well - she knows I tend to take out my disappointment/anger at myself by refusing to eat completely. We came home today from the competition and she hid the scale and tape measures, and basically anything I could use to measure my weight loss. So I'm just going to have to lose drastically, so I can see the weight loss without measuring it.

Stay strong~
Love, Samaire

My current favorite photo:


And some thinspo of course <3:



























Anyone else remember how when Lindsay Lohan was anorexic, she was forced into rehab, where she gained a million pounds? Yeah, well, she's basically lost everything back again. She gives me so much motivation lately:

18. Rainy Saturday

EDIT: (a few hours later)
I added some new quotes to the side bar. One from Ana Regzig (Dying to be Thin) - how I miss her! :( And two from Marya Hornbacher. I have yet to read Wasted (I can't wait...I can't read it until the summer because then I will be abroad, alone, for 3 weeks, without my family nearby to snoop on what I am reading) but I found these quotes online, and I was particularly struck by them.

As for today's intake... the family dinner killed me. I managed to stay under 1000 cals, thankfully, but still. Such damage.. tomorrow will be better!

---

It's raining here today. I can't help but smile when it rains. The earth is thirsty, damnit! Let it drink its fill of water. :) My backyard is a forest, and there are currently three incredibly adorable deer. They're biting the leaves off of our trees, but I honestly don't care. I'm happy that they're content. I sound like such a tree-hugger today. Haha

Yesterday's fast was pretty successful - 4 cups of brown rice green tea (none were very strong. I don't like super strong tea) and only 2 sticks of gum: 1 Orbit pomegranate (3); 1 Wrigley wintermint (5).

Today I slept through breakfast, and mostly pushed around food at lunch. I was forced to have a slice of raisin bread, half an apple, and some Activia yogurt, though. The damage is pretty terrible. I'm estimating: (170+40+90) so approximately 300 cals.... agh.

I'm nervous for tonight, because we are having a huge family dinner... I can't wait until my relatives leave. I know that sounds terrible, but they're seriously screwing up my eating even more. :T

I guess it will make the weight loss after they leave more meaningful. Hopefully.

My latest body idol - Miranda Kerr. She has the thinnest, toned stomach ever, and her legs are so thin and graceful...

(I got all of these photos from Justjared.com, so the pics are huge. Click on them to see close-ups. Her legs are soooo amazing!)









Stay strong~~

<3 Samaire