30. Twisted

Trying to get back to the habit of blogging daily...

When I look for thinspirational photos online, I am usually attracted to the fashion aspects. I loveee fashion and wish I could be a professional fashion designer someday (I imagine that would be the ultimate thinspiration - having to work with all of those super models).

Anyhow, is it twisted of me to look at some photos and think, "Oh, this would look so much better if she was thinner," or, "Wow this is very unflattering for her body," or, "I can't believe she would think of wearing that." ?
Especially when the aforementioned subject of the photo is thinner than me?

Thinking these thoughts makes me feel ashamed often, and makes me feel really bitchy. But I honestly don't even mean to be. These thoughts just immediately crop up inside my mind...

Now, the first thing I notice is the distance between a model's thighs, or how thin and delicate her wrists/arms/legs look.

It's all so twisted. My mind is sick.
But I... love it and hate it at the same time.
Sigh.

Stay strong. You're beautiful. You're worth the fight and effort to stay slender.
<3 Samaire

29. 2009 coming to a close...

Goodness. It's been such a long time since I've been here.
I'm currently in the process of applying to 458140619641 universities; maybe this explains my constant hectic state of life at the moment. It's a time of my life where my concentration and focus are most necessary, yet I find I can't stay focused on my studies or my applications... AT ALL. It's terrible. I honestly waste about 7-8 hours daily lately.

And I constantly yell at myself about it (mentally of course, since people would think I was mental if they heard me scream out loud. Thought this is heavily ironic, given that this makes me sound mental anyway!). During those hours I could be:
- Working out (I. Need. To. Go. To. A. Gym. Oh my goodness. Fall sports ended a good month and a half ago. I can feel my muscles becoming fat and jelly. It's DISGUSTING.)
- Doing my applications so I can actually GO TO A GOOD UNIVERSITY. If only...
- Writing songs
- Sleeping (I never get enough sleep. It's terrible, because I get even more hungry when I don't sleep enough. It's a vicious cycle, I swear.)
- Keeping up my social life... without having to lose sleep over it. Like my social life is pretty good lately, even though I am so busy, but my sleep is sacrificed for it. I stay up late talking to people instead of sleeping. I should sleep more..............
- Etc. I can't even think coherently right now.



I went from 115 to 88 pounds last school year. It was glorious. People were alarmed. They begged me to eat; my mother asked all of her friends to force me to eat whenever they saw me; everyone was always staring at me like I was a freak of nature.
And I loved every moment of feeling so in control.

Then over the summer, my concentration and drive were killed when I fell for someone... and I paid dearly for it. I had a great time, but it ended when his parents suddenly moved the entire family to a completely different area of the country. We both stay in touch, but it just doesn't feel like it was worth it. I plummeted in weight because I felt beautiful all the time around him, and completely became blind to my accumulating fat. I went up to 105 in the summer.

In September, I reassessed myself and was disgusted and horrified at how I had slipped in motivation and control. All of that hard work gone to waste! Then I started eating my emotions away.... GREAT idea. Which brought me all the way back up to 115.

I completely failed. Epitome of a yo-yo in weight fluctuations.
I didn't even do anything about it though. I just moped around.

Then mid-November I started to TRY doing something about it again.
I'm at 110 now. Still not low in the least. I'm still a whale.
I still explode out of my jeans and I can't wear tight shirts anymore because of a belly bump I now have.
My hipbones are almost gone. I need them to come back.
I need my flat, beautiful stomach to come back.
I need my size 1 and size 0 jeans to go away and my size 00 jeans to dance lovingly back to legs that are too thin for them.

I MISS EVERYTHING ABOUT BEING DELICATE AND FRAGILE.

It's my last year of high school.
I refuse to be fat at my prom and disappointed at the end of high school because of my fatness.


Here's to recommitting myself.

<3 Samaire.

Stay strong lovely followers~~

Now in exchange for being so kind and listening to my ranting/whining...
Some thinspo:

28. Fashion Inspires

Fashion design is one of my secret little hobbies - no one really knows that I design. I love matching unique pieces together; sometimes a little boho, a little edgy, a little flirty, a little tomboy, a little punk, etc. It really depends on my mood.

I would post some photos of me to illustrate what I mean, but I am embarrassing to look at right now (I feel as though I am about to explode out of my size 0 jeans. So sad. And 0 is misleading - I'm short. Not skinny. I miss when 00 was comfy and pretty loose...).

Here are some beautiful photos I've been inspired by lately.

Enjoy and stay strong~

<3 Samaire

27. Summer Breeze Beckons.

I'm sorry.
I feel like a failure.
I always disappear and then try to return and then get swept away again.
I'm sorry for letting you all down. For deserting you.


I've failed.
This summer has changed my life. In so many amazing ways.
But one thing that changed has made my life worse - my body.
I thought that I would be happy if I let myself go and just accepted my body for how it is.
I was soooo wrong.
See, the thing is, once you have an ED, it... becomes a part of your identity whether you realize it or not.
It's not something that goes away.
Throughout this life-changing summer I have had the best experiences ever (I would go into detail, but it would give my identity away too much. One of the things I did was live at an orphanage for a while - like family with the children there. What a humbling experience... Learned an insane amount). But there was always a thought in the back of my mind.

YOU ARE GROWING FATTER EACH DAY.


I finally looked at myself clearly in the mirror today.
And I am so depressed at what I see.
WIthout stepping on a scale I know I am at one of my highest weights, ever.

Four weeks ago I stepped on a scale to get my physical done. I weighed 99 pounds then. I was ecstatic - that I had broken 100 again. Four weeks of damage is a colossal amount of damage....

I can't fit into half of the jeans I bought just one month ago.
So depressing.
So this is my last straw.
I am going to severely restrict starting tomorrow morning (I'm off to bed right now).

When fall sports begin, I want to be the thinnest girl on the team. And then through exercising even more I want to become the most in shape girl on the team.

I want, I want, I want.
But I forget: I can achieve.
I CAN ACHIEVE IF I TRY.

Anyone - each and every one of you out there - can attain the image of perfection in her or his mind.
I firmly believe this.

So. I'm resolving to rededicate myself to taking care of my body.
I hope all of you have remained stronger than I have~

Once I look a little less repulsive I'll update you all on what's going on in my life (that is.. if you're still interested. :) haha).


Sorry for the depressing tone of this blog entry - it is just simply me trying to be determined!
Don't give up all of you - stay strong with me. Help me be strong~ <3

26. Chaos

My life right now = chaotic.
I don't even know where to begin. I feel terrible for completely neglecting all of you - you who mean so much to me. I'm glad to see that you all seem as strong as ever though. :)


Sooooooooooooo....
Okay. I'll just start a list.
1. It feels weird to blog again. I'm glad I'm blogging again, because life just felt weird not blogging regularly. But I feel like I lost my voice. As in, when I type here, I don't feel as natural anymore. Hopefully, resuming blogging will help that. :T Also, I realized I can't read Tulip's blog anymore - that makes me sad. :( But I guess that's to be expected, since I was gone.

2. I went to my prom at a fat 104, and went to a friend's prom at a fat fat 105. I'm really depressed by knowing I went to prom at over 100 when I used to be 85, but I can't really complain. It's my fault I lost control of my own body for a brief (albeit damaging) while.

3. I have a boyfriend, and I honestly don't know how to begin describing him. Everything about him makes me smile, or laugh like a little girl. We only started talking to each other a month ago, but it feels like I've known him forever. He tells me the same thing all the time too. I know opposites are supposed to attract, but we are so similar, and yet, we get along so well. We both have a parent who currently lives out of the house because of business (not because of divorce), an older sibling at college, similar interests, really similar sense of humor, same fear, same dislikes, same likes, similar taste in music, similar style of dress, similar priorities in life (except for ED. he still doesn't know about it - and I intend on keeping it that way), etc. I've never been happier, to be completely honest. :) The only thing is.....whenever I'm around him I feel this uncontrollable urge to "eat normally" so that I don't look like I have an ED. :(

This one time, I was talking to him about my health presentation (we all pulled different psychological disorders out of a jar to research and share to the class - I pulled out the card that said anorexia nervosa/bulimia nervosa. Coincidental, much??? I was so paranoid at first for pulling it out, but I used the presentation to make it seem like EDs disgusted me. So no one thinks I have an ED at the moment. And because I'm FAT right now. Ugh). Anywayyyy, so I was talking to him about it and how it was awkward because I don't like presenting things like that in front of the entire class. And he went, "I'm so glad you don't have an eating disorder. You're so beautiful the way you are."

:( That made me feel sooooo horrible inside. But I can't change the fact that my ED is, and will always be, a part of me.

4. I have 7 more days of school left until SUMMER BREAK! I'm going to be a counselor of a day camp for elementary kids for a few weeks, and then go on a family vacation. I'm a little worried about the family vacation because that will mean more eating.... but I'm hoping to use the excuse of nausea from my resumed periods (sorry if that's TMI. but it also makes me so depressed. that they're back. that I'm fat enough for them to be back...) to refrain from eating.

5. I'm going to the beach in 2 weeks with about 20 friends or so. And 5 of the girls are on the swim team, and are super thin and toned and lean. I HATE how I look in a bathing suit right now. I am soooo determined to regain control on my eating for this trip. I refuse to look like a floating ball of fat that day.

6. Please tell me how all of you have been!!!



I have to start uploading a bunch of thinspo again. I'll do that soon, I promise!
Thanks for staying with me~
<3 Samaire

25. "Of course it's all in your head...

but why should that mean it's not real?" -Dumbledore (from the last book of the Harry Potter series).

Love this quote. It can apply to anything, and everything to me. Right now, it applies to my eating disorder and perception of myself. Of course no one else can tell how fat I perceive myself. But why on earth should that mean my fatness is not real??

I can finally breathe. Thank you for caring about me, even though I was basically dead on blogger for all this time. You are all so awesome! <3

I'm finally done with all of the horrid tests (I think I aced the English, Music Theory, and Math, did pretty well on the History, and I'm crossing my fingers for the Biology. Ahhh. If I don't get perfect scores on all of my tests, I'm going to get depressed. I just know it. And binge or something. Being a perfectionist SUCKS sometimes). I also had another competition (I got 2nd place. UGH. I never ever get 1st. Never giving up though...), and an orchestra audition. I've got another concert tomorrow, and I've practiced all day for it.

Wow. My life sounds so boring. I am such a dork.

Anyway, to answer a question: I'm only 5'3''. So 85 isn't that drastic or anything. I wish I could be 5'7'' or 5'6''. Then 85 would be incredible... Except I'm not even 85 anymore. That intervention screwed me over so badly, because it got paired with my $450 worth of exams (each AP test is freaking 90 dollars. OMG).

I am now a fat 103 pounds. ONE FRICKING HUNDRED AND THREE. I HATE TRIPLE DIGIT NUMBERS!!!!!!!
My friend asked me to prom, and it's only in two weeks. And I am at my highest in months right now. Fuck fuck fuckkkkkk.

And what really really makes me depressed is that because of my forced intervention and consequent binging, my stomach expanded again. So now it takes even more willpower to fast and restrict. I look at my bulging stomach in the mirror and I feel like a globe.

Less than a month ago, my size 00 jeans were sliding off my back. And now I am back in my size 0 jeans that are super tight. At the rate I'm going I'll be a size 14 by July or something. AHHHH

Shit. My parents just came home. I'm supposed to be sleeping. And my keyboard is excruciatingly loud and the rest of the house is incredibly SILENT. Meaning they will know I'm online covertly and they'll assume I'm on pro-ana sites (does my blog even count? huh) and give me so much beef later. Like literally and figuratively speaking.


ANYWAY

I'll post more later (and finally comment back on all of you beautiful people's blogs).
Stay strong!

<3 Samaire

24. I'm Sorry...

Dear Followers, Friends, Fellow Anas, Anonymous Readers, Whoever you are,
First of all, thank you for caring enough to even read what I post. It means so much to me. You are all so beautiful. I love you all.

Sorry for the unexplained, extended hiatus. So much crap has happened to me in the last 2 weeks. Everything has been such a whirlwind. To sum it up shortly - my family intervened. Again. Basically I reached my all-time low of 85. I have no idea how. But it was so blissful. I naturally have low blood pressure to begin with, and after I got down to 85, I had a lot of dizzy spells. Now I know to expect those, so when I get back down to 85, I'll know to tough it out!

But anyway, I passed out and my family freaked out on me. They didn't hospitalize me because I have so many tests (AP testing... high school is hell. I can't wait to get out!!) and because of financial issues right now. Anyway, they forced me to gain so much weight.... And because of all the stress I am in (AP tests - five of them. WHY do I do this to myself? Oh, because I am a perfectionist, and masochistic in other ways) I gave in so easily. I couldn't deal with the added pressure of having all of them screaming at me, crying around me, begging me to eat, all of that crap. I feel like I blindly accepted anything they shoved in my face just so they would shut up. I don't even want to think about it. I think I put on almost 14 pounds.....

So in the past 2 weeks I've gone from 85 to around 100 again. There is NO WAY that that can be healthy. But my family likes me fat. My family is trying to capture Ana, shove her in a prison cell, and try to change me.

It's not going to work. I refuse to let them do that to me.
I'm going back down and they are going to be so sorry they ever tried to make me better.

Every time they try to "heal" me, it makes me want to get even thinner.

Anyway, I'm in a severe crunch for time right now, so I'll post more later. I'm still in the middle of my many exams, so I'm not sure when I will be posting again. But I want you all to know that I've been reading up on most of your blogs, and there are so many things I wish I could tell you. You mean so much to me~

Stay strong, and take care. You are all in my thoughts!

<3 Samaire