2. Ginormous

I'm back at a size 0 in pants for now, but please take this with a grain of salt - I am a size 0, but completely and utterly jiggly, not toned at all, and to top it all off, I have a muffin top belly (hah, pun). I hate this feeling. This time of year last year my size 0 pants were comfortably, slightly loose, my stomach was completely flat, and I did not feel as though I was walking on two pork rinds instead of two legs. My thighs also had a much larger gap between them one year ago.. I know I can achieve that, since I was there. I must bring my old, more beautiful body back. Right now I am just the epitome of a porky little girl. I have one month left until I need to break out a bathing suit. There is no time to waste - must start shedding the fat now!!

I love Trixy Pixie on DeviantArt. The realness of her photography really speaks to me. Not only is the atmosphere in each photo so raw and beautiful, but her models have such beautiful bodies as well...

1. Again.

But that is more of a reason to keep hanging on.

(This should technically be post #31, but I am starting all over again.)

Part of being human is making mistakes, then vowing to learn from those mistakes, but recommitting the same mistakes, and then realizing you just went through a vicious cycle. But eventually, you do learn. It's painful at times, yes, but you manage to teach yourself something through the experience.

My relationship with my eating disorder is a roller coaster. It's still there, subconsciously, but as I am EDNOS, I go back and forth between periods of intense binging and periods that resemble anorexia. It's horrific and stressful, and I've tried to run away from it for the past year, but I've realized it just depresses me. I can't run away from something so deeply ingrained in myself - I need to learn to accept it and learn how to deal with it.

A year ago, in my first post I wrote:
The vital facts:
Height: 5'3.5'' (yeah, I'm pretty short. Haha runs in the women of the family.)
Current Weight (CW): 102
Lowest Weight (LW): 92 (how I miss this...)
Highest Weight (HW): 112 - gross.
Short Term Goal Weight (STGW): 98
Long Term Goal Weight (LTGW): 94

Oh, how things have changed.
I just got out of a rough relationship (it made me happy while it lasted, but I realized it was hurting me negatively, and broke it off. It's very bittersweet), broken friendships, and an intensely stressful few months. This whole school year has been incredibly exhausting and I feel as though I'm beginning to forget who I am. I abuse myself by over-eating whenever I'm stressed now, and then the intense guilt settles and I start imagining I gained tens of pounds in an hour and everything just begins to annoy me. Then, I lose sleep over the guilt and I begin to imagine everything around me is going wrong. I'm going crazy, and it's something I need to fix.

I was so much happier when I felt in control of myself. I lack all control, as evidenced by the lard found all over my body. I need to get myself in order before I begin trying to get all aspects of my life in control. I also have 1.5 months left until my class field trip when I will need to wear a bikini, and 2.5 months until prom season. Time to get my body seriously under control..

Updated stats:
Height: 5'4''
Current Weight (CW): 110 on bad days, 108 on "good" days (not good)
Lowest Weight (LW): 87 (I miss this intensely)
Highest Weight (HW): 114 - gross.
Short Term Goal Weight (STGW1): 102
STGW2: 98
STGW: 95
Long Term Goal Weight (LTGW): 93



<3 Samaire

30. Twisted

Trying to get back to the habit of blogging daily...

When I look for thinspirational photos online, I am usually attracted to the fashion aspects. I loveee fashion and wish I could be a professional fashion designer someday (I imagine that would be the ultimate thinspiration - having to work with all of those super models).

Anyhow, is it twisted of me to look at some photos and think, "Oh, this would look so much better if she was thinner," or, "Wow this is very unflattering for her body," or, "I can't believe she would think of wearing that." ?
Especially when the aforementioned subject of the photo is thinner than me?

Thinking these thoughts makes me feel ashamed often, and makes me feel really bitchy. But I honestly don't even mean to be. These thoughts just immediately crop up inside my mind...

Now, the first thing I notice is the distance between a model's thighs, or how thin and delicate her wrists/arms/legs look.

It's all so twisted. My mind is sick.
But I... love it and hate it at the same time.
Sigh.

Stay strong. You're beautiful. You're worth the fight and effort to stay slender.
<3 Samaire

29. 2009 coming to a close...

Goodness. It's been such a long time since I've been here.
I'm currently in the process of applying to 458140619641 universities; maybe this explains my constant hectic state of life at the moment. It's a time of my life where my concentration and focus are most necessary, yet I find I can't stay focused on my studies or my applications... AT ALL. It's terrible. I honestly waste about 7-8 hours daily lately.

And I constantly yell at myself about it (mentally of course, since people would think I was mental if they heard me scream out loud. Thought this is heavily ironic, given that this makes me sound mental anyway!). During those hours I could be:
- Working out (I. Need. To. Go. To. A. Gym. Oh my goodness. Fall sports ended a good month and a half ago. I can feel my muscles becoming fat and jelly. It's DISGUSTING.)
- Doing my applications so I can actually GO TO A GOOD UNIVERSITY. If only...
- Writing songs
- Sleeping (I never get enough sleep. It's terrible, because I get even more hungry when I don't sleep enough. It's a vicious cycle, I swear.)
- Keeping up my social life... without having to lose sleep over it. Like my social life is pretty good lately, even though I am so busy, but my sleep is sacrificed for it. I stay up late talking to people instead of sleeping. I should sleep more..............
- Etc. I can't even think coherently right now.



I went from 115 to 88 pounds last school year. It was glorious. People were alarmed. They begged me to eat; my mother asked all of her friends to force me to eat whenever they saw me; everyone was always staring at me like I was a freak of nature.
And I loved every moment of feeling so in control.

Then over the summer, my concentration and drive were killed when I fell for someone... and I paid dearly for it. I had a great time, but it ended when his parents suddenly moved the entire family to a completely different area of the country. We both stay in touch, but it just doesn't feel like it was worth it. I plummeted in weight because I felt beautiful all the time around him, and completely became blind to my accumulating fat. I went up to 105 in the summer.

In September, I reassessed myself and was disgusted and horrified at how I had slipped in motivation and control. All of that hard work gone to waste! Then I started eating my emotions away.... GREAT idea. Which brought me all the way back up to 115.

I completely failed. Epitome of a yo-yo in weight fluctuations.
I didn't even do anything about it though. I just moped around.

Then mid-November I started to TRY doing something about it again.
I'm at 110 now. Still not low in the least. I'm still a whale.
I still explode out of my jeans and I can't wear tight shirts anymore because of a belly bump I now have.
My hipbones are almost gone. I need them to come back.
I need my flat, beautiful stomach to come back.
I need my size 1 and size 0 jeans to go away and my size 00 jeans to dance lovingly back to legs that are too thin for them.

I MISS EVERYTHING ABOUT BEING DELICATE AND FRAGILE.

It's my last year of high school.
I refuse to be fat at my prom and disappointed at the end of high school because of my fatness.


Here's to recommitting myself.

<3 Samaire.

Stay strong lovely followers~~

Now in exchange for being so kind and listening to my ranting/whining...
Some thinspo:

28. Fashion Inspires

Fashion design is one of my secret little hobbies - no one really knows that I design. I love matching unique pieces together; sometimes a little boho, a little edgy, a little flirty, a little tomboy, a little punk, etc. It really depends on my mood.

I would post some photos of me to illustrate what I mean, but I am embarrassing to look at right now (I feel as though I am about to explode out of my size 0 jeans. So sad. And 0 is misleading - I'm short. Not skinny. I miss when 00 was comfy and pretty loose...).

Here are some beautiful photos I've been inspired by lately.

Enjoy and stay strong~

<3 Samaire

27. Summer Breeze Beckons.

I'm sorry.
I feel like a failure.
I always disappear and then try to return and then get swept away again.
I'm sorry for letting you all down. For deserting you.


I've failed.
This summer has changed my life. In so many amazing ways.
But one thing that changed has made my life worse - my body.
I thought that I would be happy if I let myself go and just accepted my body for how it is.
I was soooo wrong.
See, the thing is, once you have an ED, it... becomes a part of your identity whether you realize it or not.
It's not something that goes away.
Throughout this life-changing summer I have had the best experiences ever (I would go into detail, but it would give my identity away too much. One of the things I did was live at an orphanage for a while - like family with the children there. What a humbling experience... Learned an insane amount). But there was always a thought in the back of my mind.

YOU ARE GROWING FATTER EACH DAY.


I finally looked at myself clearly in the mirror today.
And I am so depressed at what I see.
WIthout stepping on a scale I know I am at one of my highest weights, ever.

Four weeks ago I stepped on a scale to get my physical done. I weighed 99 pounds then. I was ecstatic - that I had broken 100 again. Four weeks of damage is a colossal amount of damage....

I can't fit into half of the jeans I bought just one month ago.
So depressing.
So this is my last straw.
I am going to severely restrict starting tomorrow morning (I'm off to bed right now).

When fall sports begin, I want to be the thinnest girl on the team. And then through exercising even more I want to become the most in shape girl on the team.

I want, I want, I want.
But I forget: I can achieve.
I CAN ACHIEVE IF I TRY.

Anyone - each and every one of you out there - can attain the image of perfection in her or his mind.
I firmly believe this.

So. I'm resolving to rededicate myself to taking care of my body.
I hope all of you have remained stronger than I have~

Once I look a little less repulsive I'll update you all on what's going on in my life (that is.. if you're still interested. :) haha).


Sorry for the depressing tone of this blog entry - it is just simply me trying to be determined!
Don't give up all of you - stay strong with me. Help me be strong~ <3