9. Today I Feel....

(enter negative word here. Fat, fat, fat, useless, crappy, shitty, ugly, fat, oh, did I say fat already?).

My digestive system has been out of wack these past few days. (Sorry if this is TMI) I felt like I've excreted all of my insides, but I actually enjoyed it. I knew I was completely and literally empty. It was such a beautiful feeling.

Then today, my stomach hurt like hell, and it was growling incredibly loudly, so my parents forced me to eat. They threatened to make me miss school for a week and send me to a rehabilitation center for a week if I didn't eat. They're friends with a lot of doctors, two of whom work at a rehabilitation center. Shit. Shit. Shit. I think I consumed about 2000 calories. TWO FREAKING THOUSAND.

I look down and between my hip bones (which are already starting to hide after this disastrous binge) and my belly is huge. I feel like Garfield - so fat that my stomach protrudes to the extent that I can't see my feet when I look down.


I'm looking at thinspo at proanaquest.webs.com right now...
The blogger Kat made the website, and it's absolutely beautiful.


Okay, sorry for random tangent. I'm going crazy because of all that binging.

I would fast tomorrow, but I am actually afraid of fasting this week. Crazy, right?
In a few days, I'm playing in a very famous venue (sorry, I don't want to sound snobby. I would say the venue, but I'm paranoid and I want to stay anonymous. D:). It's a solo recital, and my family, friends, teachers, etc. are all coming to watch. I can't afford to mess up - not even one teensy little mistake. So I need to be physically strong for that.

But I also have to make sure I never binge again. I will not even want to walk out on stage with my fat-ass belly protruding out of my long gown...

Anyway, as soon as the recital is over, it is back to severe restriction.
Maybe I'll put up a few photos when I look less hideous.

Stay strong everyone~~
We will become the thinnest, prettiest, most envied girls...